my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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