Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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