Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
