Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sober January is a disaster.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
