The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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