she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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