I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
