I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
