My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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