remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
