my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
