I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
