At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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