Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
