I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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