I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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