My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
