My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
