My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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