It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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