I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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