matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
