3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
