my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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