I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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