Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
