I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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