When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
