I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
