also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
