I'm going to jail i love you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
