I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
