Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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