It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
