Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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