I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
