if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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