Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
