Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
