Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
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Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize