Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
