The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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