i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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