i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
