I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
