You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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