I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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