Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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