i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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