i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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