I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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