After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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