Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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