My Higher Power is John Stamos
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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