dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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