well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you win again, gameday.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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