I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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