I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
