I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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