You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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